I tried to do the right thing

I went out the other night with a couple of colleagues of mine from work. We all had alot to drink, so instead of taking the train home, I decided to catch a ride in a cab. I jumped in,and told the driver to head down to seabright, new jersey. I quicklly settled in to the seat and closed my eyes when I awoke I found myself on the triboro bridge. I told the driver to that he was stupid and to turn around and take me to new jersey. He stopped the car on the bridge and started to back up. Holy cow here comes the cop headlights we got pulled over. The police told my driver to get out of the car and then they proceeded to press charges on him for drinking and driving. The cop looks at me asked me if i was drunk i said no, so he told me to take the car off the bridge. So i not only took the car off the bridge i drove it all the way home to the station. The whole time driving home the dispatcher was calling in and i could not help but to crack up. After i pulled into the station i called the dispatcher and told him his car was at the station and his driver was in the klink.

How not to get ready for a presentation!

My business associate and I were on our way commuting to our Philadelphia office. We had to be in early because we had a major presentation to make to our company's largest client. We were dressed in our best business suits. We boarded the train and sat behind a familly with a small child. The child had just finished a bottle and was standing on the seat looking back at us, smiling. My business associate started to play with the child, laughing and causing the child to get excited. In the blink of an eye, the child threw up his entire breakfast, covering Jim's best buisness suit with regurgitated formula. So much for being prepared!

All Quiet on the Western Front!

One day while riding the #1 and #9 subway in Manhattan, I observed two young punks with a boom box blasting loudly enter the train. They sat across form a young woman with a sleeping baby. She asked them to turn the volume down politely. They laughed at her and turned it louder. From the opposite end of the car appeared a man the size of "Rock". He asked the woman if the punks were bothering her. She timidedly told him what had happened. The huge man turned towards the two punks, took the boom box from them and broke it in half. He proceeded to pick up each punk up by the collar and held them against the doors until we arrived at the next stop, at which time he threw them off the train. The passengers then erupted in applause and cheers for our hero.

Be careful who you drive behind!

One morning I was driving to work behind a truck on a country road in New Jersey. The road was one lane in each direction. I was behind a slow moving truck filled with caged chickens. I was unable to pass because of low visibility and a winding road. A couple of "splats" hit my windshield. I thought that it was beginning to rain. The barage started to come fast and furious. Much to my horror, I realized that the chickens were having their "morning constitutional". The chicken feces became so encrusted on my windshield that I had to pull over to the side of the road and stop. The moral of this story is; " a car that follows a truck full of chickens, winds up with more than egg on it's windshield".

i met my wife after striking up a casual conversation when i sitting next to her.

An ethical question: Is it proper to throw rice on a commuter ferry?

Sure - YOU may never have to wrestle with this one, but tonight on my way home from work I couldn't help but notice a newly minted Married Couple sitting on the East River Ferry. She's in a gown. He's in a tux.

On the ferry.

At first I figured they were either actors doing an industrial or a student film. Then I thought perhaps they were models who had been hired to do a wedding-themed photo shoot and they were still in costume. Then I took a closer look at them.

Probably not models.

The dude was a white guy with a black guy fade cut. Had a little something or other carved into the fade too. Lightning bolt or something. VERY becoming with a tuxedo. The girl looked fine, I suppose.

One of my fellow commuters who had all kinds of Hail Good Fellow stuff going on boomed across the boat: "Hey! Look at you two! We should be clinking glasses for crying out loud". People smiled. People nodded approvingly. The bride and groom soaked it up. It was their Very Special Day. Even if it DID include public transportation. In the rain.

The River had a little chop to it and as the boat listed they sat there like little married bobble-heads. This way. Then that way. But together. In effortless rhythm. Inescapable lockstep already creeping into their lives. This morning they were single and now they were part of an institution too sacred and exacting for gay couples.

Don't get me wrong - my marriage didn't work out, but that doesn't mean I'm anti-marriage across the board. I just regard the whole process as something akin to a rattlesnake with a busted tail. Big bite - no warning.

I heard them making simultaneous phone calls on their cells as we rode and - for once - I didn't mind hearing people babble during my commute. I set my book aside (Ken Kesey's Sometimes a Great Notion if you must know) and I listened. I eavesdropped. "HEY - we did it!"

"Guess what? We got married! AND we're on the New York Water Taxi!....I KNOW!"

"She's right here. It went fine. Really good. People took a lot of pictures. Umm...okay."

"Guess who showed up as a surprise? Barbara and Sharon! I was like you guys! I cried"

And so on.

I couldn't help but feel a bit awestruck to be in the presence of the birth of a new American Nuptial. Two perfectly inoffensive humans kicking their way out of the matrimonial egg sac and shaking loose the pre-natal goo so that they can get busy making reservations to Block Island and attending christenings and figuring out who's in charge of wiping up the toast crumbs before work.

I think I might have inadvertently lied a few paragraphs ago. It's looking very much like I AM anti-marriage after all. My apologies for any misrepresentations earlier. Look - marriage is a bad idea for most people. Just as children are a bad idea for most people. Just as the vocations they've semi-willingly selected are a bad idea for most people.

Because marriage takes imagination and most people are carting around a severely atrophied sense of creativity. Fortunately it's entirely possible to coast through the whole thing for forty, fifty, seventy years. Mind your manners and you can survive the process without a lot of effort or imagination. Not much fun, but do-able.

So. I sat there and judged in that way that I have. I decided they were morons whose sole claim to creative fame as a couple might wind up being the very boat ride which I was taking with them. ("Do you know that right after our wedding ceremony, we got on a FERRY? We DID!")

We arrived at the last stop. I stood. Bride and Groom stood also. The remaining passengers wish them well. The Happy Couple is beaming even as they strategize with their single umbrella. And - fuck me - I can't hold the load any longer. It's my peculiar damnation to house my cynical heart within a Capra psyche.

I nodded and offered my congratulations. Big smiles.

The boat rocked and lurched. The captain bargained with the pier and finally found the sweet spot. We all hit the dock. The commuters, the sailors and the Bride and Groom.

So - to the adorable boat couple in the rain - I offer my guarded best wishes and - what the hell - no malice towards their efforts.

Fade buzz cut and all.

Keep the Car Running

As a young Mother of four children, who worked full-time, and attended graduate school two evenings a week, I certainly was busy. One early evening I was running late to meet my ride to school. I pulled into the commuter park and ride just as my ride(two friends), were about to give up on me. I had to bathe, dress and feed my four children before I left the house. I jumped out of my car, grabbed my books, locked the doors and off we went. Almost four hours later, my friends returned me to the parking lot, to get my car and go home. I was exhausted. As I approached the car, much to my horror I saw that the car was running. My first hope was that I would have enough gas to get home since the car had been running for almost four hours. That was the least of my problems. The car was locked with the key in the ignition. I made the dreaded call to my husband, told him what had happened, held the phone away from my ear for five minutes, and then hung up. He arrived several minutes later with the spare keys. I usually let my car warm up before driving it in the cold weather, but this was probably taking that idea to the extreme.

tell it like it is

Don't you just hate it when the guy next to you talks so loudly on his phone during your entire commute. the other day this guy was talking all about his family's drama surrounding his brothers drug intervention. from how his mom feels to how he is going to fare when he gets out of rehab. you just want to say "listen guy, my life is stressful enough and I have my own problems to deal with so I'm really not interested in listening to yours." "I'm sorry but shut the hell up."

the chicken is ok

every day myself and countless other robots walk from our respective commuting vehicle to our place of work.
local eateries have used this little reality to market themselves by handing us menus as we walk by.

today was a particularly bad day for one big yellow inflated chicken handing out menus.

this chicken is said to be employed by Texas Rotisserie. the chicken often provides me with much humor as it clucks at unsuspecting walkers usually resulting in a very startled person.
today I was with a friend walking up wall street and noticed the chicken.
I told my friend how much I enjoy watching the chicken work. just as I was telling him "watch this", the chicken clucked a group of girls. they jumped, laughed, and then a male thug came over and pushed the chicken. the chicken lost its balance, stumbled backwards, and proceeded to fall on his back.
as the chicken lay helpless on his back I just stared, not believing that anyone would want to hurt the funny yellow chicken. the chicken began to deflate and his aids began to work on him immediately. I was choked up and decided to move along and shield my eyes from the scene.

I called to store later to ask how the chicken was doing. my fears were put to rest as the woman told me that the chicken was just a little shaken up, sent home to rest, and will be back on the beat tomorrow. she said she would call in the morning to tell me where this big yellow chicken would be so that I could go and say hi to him.